Talhah's Blog

No, this post isn't the one where I reveal who 25 is. It's just that lately.. she's been getting under my radar, intentionally or not, consciously or otherwise.

OK normally I can refrain myself from writing about super-sensitive stuff but last night.. I think I dreamt of her. I dream she and her bf was sitting in front of my dad and other TS peeps were around - witnesses. Including me. Apparently, they were going to get married and my dad just gave his blessings.

When she finally stood up, I gave her a high five and congratulate her. Then the grief, regret start to overwhelm me but I kept them in check.

That's the dream summed up neatly without elaborating the real emotions I felt. Thing is.. why did I dream of her? Why can't my mind obey my heart? I gave up on any possibility of an 'us' a long while ago. You know, I can be civil with her and her boyfriend. I keep a non-chalant front. I don't reveal anything. I can talk to her, just not on a personal level. I doubt we were ever at that level face-to-face. Maybe SMS yeah we were. Face-to-face? Nah..

But I do not deny that since the day you told me your true intentions, I sense discomfort from you whenever I'm near. Sometimes I catch a glimpse of you looking in my direction. Maybe it's just me, imagining it. I do my part too. Avoid you as much as I can without making it seem obvious.

I found it easier and easier to still my heart until now I feel passive whenever you're around. Which is what I had wanted for a long time.

Maybe it's me. Maybe it's my presence. It's just that during Saturday training, I don't really see her happy.