Talhah's Blog

I was reading this letter I composed in what seemed an age ago but never delivered. It kinda expresses my hidden feelings regarding a certain someone at that time, yet hesitation dogged me throughout. It was an interesting experience nevertheless. And as I was reading, I realised the emotions I felt then has truly dissipitated, i.e. I've moved on. Of course I knew I already moved on, just didn't realised to what degree. I felt detached as I read it, like it was not me who wrote me. Heck, it was only last year, so that's a good sign.

Of course I doubt we'll be as comfortable interacting with one another but to me, that's her own side of the problem and how she deals with it. I think I do treat her as I treat most girls by now, so that's cool.

Anyways, I decided to post this so people who read this will realise just how much I actually disclose of my life to them. Even those I call "bestfriends".

_______________
4/18/2005

We've known each other for quite a while and I've grown to think of you as a sister. Out of all the silat sisters, I think I can relate to you and Kak Az the most, talk and share things with the two of you. But things change and you know about it, partly because I have disclosed several personal matters to you.

I never really set out to have these feelings developed to such a state. At one point in my life, I did not want to have a relationship with anyone from silat because I was tired of silat dominating every aspect of my life. That, I believe, no longer stands because I have accepted silat as being part of me, part of my life. And maybe, in a small way, because of the sudden infatuation i had over you.

The thing is, you know how I feel, but I do not know if the feeling is mutual. In fact, it made me very hesitant to even ask you out for a long time. Sometimes, I thought certain things you do meant that you may have similar emotions but soon after you do or say things that contrast the first stuff. It honestly made me very confuse. I would think, "Okay, maybe there might be some possibility," but soon after I say that, you will go on and do something that negates that thought.

You know, I don't mind being only friends with you. For a long time, that was what I wished for. But the reason for this e-mail is to know your side of the story. If there is nothing, then I could end this charade. We can finally live on as friends and just that.

But I need to know your side. Before I close this chapter in my life, I want to make sure i did not miss a single paragraph. I want to hear it from you yourself whether you share similar feelings or not. Whether am I just an SMS buddy or silat friend or their son or her brother.. or more.

That's what I want to know so that the next time we SMS, I know what you expect of me and I can respond in the proper manner. I can interpret your messages correctly and not wonder if you meant other things. And that means a lot to me.

I guess this is kind of sudden. I apologise beforehand for not asking you face-to-face but I never seem to have the opportunity and this kind of thing, well it's never appropriate to ask directly. Unlike a lot of people, I'm not good with spoken words.

I also apologise if any of the content disturbs or distress you. That is not my intention. I only seek to find the answer to a question that has been residing in my heart for almost a year and I sincerely hope you can give me a truthful answer. (But don't have to be as long, ni case takde kerja lain, compose letter laa.. :P)

Do not worry about hurting my feelings or anything. That is beside the point. I just want to know the truth, kalau boleh.Sorry lah kalau macam demanding nah. Hey but at least if you dun feel the same way as i do, you can tell me and we can live on without worrying about me :P but if you do, this is a chance for you to let me noe and we see where we go from there.

Thanks for your time reading this oh-so-long-letter-written-by-someone-who-don't-want-sleep. Well, I hope to hear a reply soon, either by email or sms or personally, i dun mind either one. Thank you for your friendship, help and kindness.