Talhah's Blog

I've just spent nearly 3 hours straight doing this new blogskin, including the designing, the codings, the troubleshooting, the uploading of song, pics... so yeah, it's done. I think I'm gonna stick with this one for a while.

Things have changed rapidly these past few days. Mostly it's been a rough tumble down the peak of happiness for me. Life at home... is very unsettled. Too much tension. I've been seeking refuge at work and with my... hmm.. can't even bear to describe who she is to me. Or at least used to.

I've broken up with Balqis. I think this is the first (and very likely to be the last) time I've mentioned her on the blog. Well, if I don't... it'd be a shame. On her side, she won't dare to speak of me to certain parties. Certain vital, very important people. It'd be as if we never happened. I don't blame her. She can't afford to. So if she won't mention me except to a small group of friends and family, and even then as a secret, then... well, if I don't talk about it, who else would acknowledge the love, the journey, the bliss and the pain we've gone through in almost a year. 18 days short of a year in fact.

It all started out as a birthday treat for her. I've just started getting my Sect Comm pay, so I treated her to an Arnold's Lunch. We then went to play pool, which was a first for her. Mind you, this was our second "date" at that point, the first was when she accompanied me to buy stuff from Beach Road for camp. So after pool, she wanted to go for a foot massage, which happens to be one of her few luxuries.

In the midst of the massage, I saw her glinched a bit. I took a risk; I took her hand, to, erm, support? share the pain? I dunno. Whatever it was, to me, that was the "tie-breaker". After the massage, we walked (hand in hand? can't remember) to Malay village. There, we talked... and talked... about the possibilities. Even back then, she warned me about soo many things - she has dark secrets, she's done bad things in the past, she's not who I think she was, etc... But I guess one thing was... maybe I was desperate. Yet another thing was, this is a chance for me. I did like her, since the day she caught my eye during training. I promised her I would accept her shortcomings. I believe I've kept that promise.

Well that's how it started... How it ended? With me in a short temper... Lost all my patience, waiting for her to sort out the one obstacle to us being together... and so she told me to wait no longer. The first day she told me that... on Wednesday morning.. I spent most of it brimming with anger.. How dare she break up with me? I got more reasons to break up with her!! Then at night, on the way back from a meeting at CCK, I recalled one of the things she said... "secebis kegembiraan,"... I had given her "a little bit of happiness"... That... that broke my heart.

So I asked to meet her again. I was a lot calmer this time around. Tried to convince her to stay with me. Tried to find out why she wanted to break with me. I got my answers. I've found my closure. Saya dah pasrah.

I'm moving on.

Don't feel sad for me. Don't try to console me. I'd be fine. This post... isn't for everyone to know. This post is for me. To record... that once, I loved Balqis and for a while, she loved me too.