When I claim to understand, this is what I mean:

In the midst of your mental and emotional turmoil, at the crux is the strong sense of guilt. You feel guilty. For creating the conflict. For repeating it again. For causing pain. For hurting people you care.

And you're not ready to forgive yourself. You feel the need to punish yourself, to 'learn' from your mistakes. To take responsibility.

You feel regretful too.

And this is a guess.. But right now you probably hate yourself.

That's why you feel you gotta clear the mess you made. You feel you don't deserve forgiveness or love yet.

Obviously I disagree. As humans we make mistakes. No one is perfect. The key to a happy life is to understand that and make the best possible decisions you can make at that point in time.

But I agree with you that in your current state you are in no condition to care or concern yourself with another person.

I may not be right in all my assumptions, but those are what I mean when I told you "I understand."