Alhamdulillah. BAPT completed liao. Pulled off a Sahlan, abandoning my section and completing the maze at least 2 minutes before the rest of them. Admittedly pleased I managed to crawl through that 2 metre tunnel like how I used to do in spite of my bigger tummy.

Interestingly I'm lying on a bed at fire post yet sleep won't come easily. My mind is still fresh. My knees are aching slightly but in general my physique is pretty okay after today's session. I'm not saying I'm fitter, just saying today's events fell nicely for me. The static station sequence. The adequate amount of rest I got after completion and before the maze. So ya. Feels good.

But.. When I got on this bed.. I remembered last night's dream. So vivid. So powerful. So emotional. It's kinda.. Erm.. R-rated.. But ya..

If dreams are your subconscious talking to you, well mine just called me out for a big fat liar. I'm far from fine, apparently. For me to have that dream almost immediately after stating I'm happy with my single life now, can't be simple coincidence.

Let's face it. I still love her. I still want her. I still want to marry her. I still want her as my wife. In spite of everything. Despite everything. Because of everything. But obviously I can't because that ship sailed a long time ago. Because I gave up fighting for us. Because I let my ego rule my actions. She will be - no, she is my biggest regret. I will live with this regret for the rest of my life. And am I fine with it?

I'm just in denial. I mean, what can I do about it? Morality dictates that I should stay away, move on, do not interfere with their lives. At the cost of my own potential happiness. So be it. Too bad Talhah has to be the nice guy. Even though deep inside he is depressed, frustrated and jealous that she is not in his life. There, I finally externalise it. I regret it. I regret letting you go. I regret not going after you again. I regret keeping silent. I regret that I have to be a nice guy and let you live a life separate from mine.

Sigh.

I told her before, she is my dream girl. My other ex's, other crushes.. I don't dream of them as often. I definitely did not dream of them when I was with them. Not like when I was with her. I dreamt of her when we were together. I still have dreams of her. Whether or not these dreams are godaan syaitan, she is still on my mind.

And my heart.

Before anyone thinks I will do anything.. Lemme assure you a few things. #1. I can't and I won't. #2. It's her life. I have never been selfish with her. Never held her back. Let her do what she wants, just ready to support her if she needs me. Well, she don't need me now.

These episodes.. Moments of reflections. Moments of regrets. They do occur. I keep things cool. But last night's dream.. Was overwhelming. At one part, I was standing in front of her mom, eyes to ground, unable to look at her in the eyes. Promising her to leave her daughter alone.

I miss her. Truly. Deeply.

So.. What's the point here? Nothing. Just opening up my heart to the world. I was honest when I said I'm doing fine as a single, because I am enjoying lots of free time playing games, going to Silat trainings freely (not that I wasn't before), doing my own things, having a healthy bank balance and savings, spending on gadgets and stuff with little or no hesitation. But I know I missed an opportunity when I let her go.

Because in truth, I've yet to let her go in my heart.

So now, here I am. Coming to 29. Past my ideal age of marriage (27 y.o.). Still single. Still doing the same shit. Made lots of stupid mistakes in my life. Nothing big. Part of life. I'm only another guy with his own unique set of troubles. About this feelings, it will go away or will be replaced by a new love, In Sha Allah. I mean, if I live til at least 70, that's 40 years. I'm sure life has more in store for me, for better or worse.

Life will only get better. Dengan izin Allah, I will find my peace. I will be fine.

posted from Bloggeroid