I dreamt it was the 4th of October. For some reason I was at his side. No, that's not true. His invitation lies on the dining table.

Both have yet to arrive. I stayed on the outside, skirting the venue, avoiding contact. When they arrived, I was praying Isya'. As I moved towards the hall, I met my secondary school friends.. But I could not see either couple. Purple. I don't know but the theme was purple.

I decided to leave. Then I saw the back of Cik Sham. I tried to salam him but he had already moved away. In that attempt, I stumbled unto the twins. I now realised that I do miss them. I just smiled and said goodbye. I then saw Farhan. This time, he turned. I salam, then I said goodbye to him. "You won't see me anymore". So, with a last weak smile, I walked away.

At that point I was still holding strong. No tears. No anger. Then someone shouted my name.

It was one of the younger twins. As they were when I last saw them 3 years ago. She ran towards me and gave me a long hug. Then the other three came. It was farewell. One last group hug.

Finally the embrace broke. As I stood and walked away, my consciousness seeped into my physical self.

For some reason, it felt like the Monday after the wedding. Maybe because of the feeling that 'we' are lost forever. There are no more chances. There are no more turnig back. Good or bad, we gotta move on.

Even if we are soulmates, we won't be together. We have been unable to amend the mistakes that led us both astray.

Natash and Allisha (oh gosh I forgot how to spell their names!). Qasrina and Qistina. How cruel I am to have forgotten you four. I miss all of you.

I actually woke up at 5am and slept back. The dream woke me at 6am. Within just 1 hour, what a powerful dream.

Maybe I will always have this feeling of regret, of loss. I will still soldier on. And I do love Fanna. But I cannot deny my past.

As I used to say, my Deedee is strong. Now, I gotta be stronger. For everyone's sake.

I'm fine.

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