Where do I begin?
When it rains, it pours. Things aren't as smooth sailing as I'd like. The only reason I'm trudging through life right now is because I'm numbed by my misery, yet relying heavily on my hope that things will get better.
I really don't like complaining, because things could be so much more worse than it is right now. I can already imagine some unspeakable, dreadful situations. It could be worse, but that does not mean it is any better right now. Sigh.
Have you ever punched someone's face in anger? I guess some people have, but it would surprise a lot of people if I admit to doing so, twice to the same person on two separate occasions. Am I proud of it? Ya Allah, no. But I will continue reminding myself of it, to remind myself if I ever lose my temper, this is one possible consequence that I am capable of.
We are both proud persons. Arrogant. Never willing to submit to the other. Did we have to fight? No. He provoked me, I replied. What a shame, Talhah. What a shame..
On another front.. I feel like I'm drowning. I have this paradise of mine, gifted to me by fate. I love My Paradise. She excites me because I see the great possibilities in store for me and this Paradise of mine. She motivates me to be better, for I have to earn my right to live on, and with, this Paradise of mine. And because she's full of wonders, I have re-discovered Allah swt, and I am doing my part to be a better servant.
And so, each day, I work on my Paradise. Plant some beautiful flowers here. Built some facilities there. Don't get me wrong, the Paradise is already gorgeous as it were before I ever knew of it, but it doesn't hurt to make me more personal.
This Paradise, my Dream, is my priority.
But I keep making mistakes. Costly mistakes. Accidental or otherwise. Foolishly. Clumsily. Unwittingly. Moronic mistakes. Mistakes nonetheless. I'd be building a new jetty for my Paradise, I'll fall into the sea, and the waves are dragging me further and further from my Paradise. That's me, making my mistakes out of my best intentions.
I feel like I'm losing my Paradise. I don't know what to do.
One thing for sure, I don't wanna lose my Paradise. I love my Paradise.. but so what, if my Paradise does not want me. I really don't wanna lose my Paradise.
Damn, my narrative sucks. I can't think. I've been bottling my emotions for too long. It came out hard.. literally. In the form of a few pushes, one kick, one slap and one punch.
Sunday, I came home after a duty which consisted of an hour's sleep at night. I was exhausted, but I did not get to sleep for we were expecting guests. After the whole day, I was completely knocked out by 8pm. I was watching the start of the F1 race, but within minutes I was gone to the world. I only awoke after midnight. Sadly I could not sleep again, leaving me still feeling tired.
Look at this post. Incoherent. I told you I can't think. Too much I wanna say but..
I just want my Paradise..
